(don't worry, i didn't trash any close friends)

How did you do it? I desperately need to know. How did you abandon reality and retreat to be alone? I just feel so lost and broken. Like shards of glass painfully reflecting surrounding disappointed faces. Faces feeling betrayed, full of scorn, contempt. Hurting those around it, not knowing how to help. I just want to be alone. Gorge myself till I explode. Gaining weight, body losing shape. I just want to disappear. Barely noticeable, like the sun into the night.
How do I manage to make everything worse, when I so desperately want to help? I want to be perfect. To be able to stop all the pain. I want to tear apart the barriers, I want to know who I am and what I want. I want to stop hurting. So badly. I want to revert to when there wasn't any hurt. But there's no such place. It's an imaginary thought. I just want this pain to go away. This monster devouring my soul. It's so tempting to distract myself with physical pain, something I can handle. Distract myself with food. with drawing. with writing. but it doesn't take it away. Let me fade quickly, so I can numbly go through the motions. Struggling to wake up, to meet peoples' faces, not knowing how they'll see you. Ups and downs exhausting, terrifying, for there's no control. Hold me, make it stop. I don't want to do this anymore. Why can't I withdraw? Gather what I've got. Instead I stumble through other peoples' lives, butting in where I'm only an obstacle, merely getting in the way. I'm slowly getting weaker. Life draining ounce by ounce. I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I don't know who to hold onto. I don't know how to hold on. Maybe just let me slip away, and everyone else's life will be okay..