I haven't really read over this, read at your own risk. i hope this doesn't upset anyone. i love you so much <3

So. I'm crying. What's fucking new? Not my writing, haven't been doing that. Too fucking lazy to something like that. That can be quasi-enriching. last few days have been wonderful. guess it's catching up on me now. got upset earlier during work. was able to brush it off. then i cried because of a fucking tv show and now im crying because of this message:
"Actually I was getting ready to mail the papers and your address on your audition form only said ** (initials) for the city and I don't know what that is. Next time please take the time to write out your complete mailing address so that you can receive things in a timely matter. It is just good practice to not abbreviate your city only the state.
So what does ** stand for, I really didnt have time to go searching the internet to find out??"
it's not bad at all.. it just made me feel badly and made me cry, WTF!? idk even know why im upset.. i just wanna be held. it's so twisted that i can't spend too much time consistintly out because i try not to cry in front of people and it ends up building up too much. so i cry over nothing. i cry over not feeling loved. being stressed. being helpless. hurting others. people thinking poorly of me. wanting to hurt myself, starve myself, but knowing i don't have the guts to and having the inability to hurt the people around me that much. from knowing that i've broken hearts. from being sick. from getting mad. from feeling like a failure. not being good enough. being scared. seeing that people think that i'm gonna leave them when i love them so incredibly much. from not being able to help. from frustration. from the battle that i have with myself. from not understanding. from people thinking nothing's wrong with me resulting in me believing them.. making me confused, frustrated. my head hurts.. i wish i could bang it so i wouldn't wake up.. idk what's wrong with me. is it for attention??? i hate myself for it. i wish i could make all my friends' problems go away. it's not fair. it's not fair.. NO ONE should feel the way some of my friends feel. it's not fair. she's wonderful, pretty, funny, intelligent, skinny.. HOW CAN SHE FEEL THIS WAY!?? i want her to be better. i want everything to be better. i want to be held. i want this to go away. why does she have to feel so worthless? I value her SO much. SO many people do!!!! She means the world to me. One of my best friends.. I want to kill what makes her feel this way. it's disgusting. it lies. terrible awful lies. disgusting lies. i would do anything.. take it away. please. stop it. how could she think that i'd ever go away. how do i even know this?
i think too highly of myself. think everything's about me. wtf? i'm probably not making sense. i don't care. i want to stop feeling. i feel too much. people think poorly of me because of it. im an attention whore. someone's said that to me. it killed me a little inside. it hurts. my heart feels like it's going to burst. i want it to. right now at least. im done. i hate this. so much. make it stop.. i love you. i love so many people. i don't wanna lose you. what if they stop loving me. it's hard to handle that thought. what if things i do are too much for them to handle? or they don't feel comfortable with me anymore? what if i die alone? like those few seconds that i knew i was collapsing and couldn't control myself and no one was there to help me. what if i never get better? what if people expect more from me than i can give? what if my friend never gets better? IT'S NOT FAIR. I love her so much. Make me forget. make me disappear. anything. i can't stand this. bring me to wonderland. anywhere but here. hold me. please. don't let me push you away.