I haven't really read over this, read at your own risk. i hope this doesn't upset anyone. i love you so much <3

So. I'm crying. What's fucking new? Not my writing, haven't been doing that. Too fucking lazy to something like that. That can be quasi-enriching. last few days have been wonderful. guess it's catching up on me now. got upset earlier during work. was able to brush it off. then i cried because of a fucking tv show and now im crying because of this message:
"Actually I was getting ready to mail the papers and your address on your audition form only said ** (initials) for the city and I don't know what that is. Next time please take the time to write out your complete mailing address so that you can receive things in a timely matter. It is just good practice to not abbreviate your city only the state.
So what does ** stand for, I really didnt have time to go searching the internet to find out??"
it's not bad at all.. it just made me feel badly and made me cry, WTF!? idk even know why im upset.. i just wanna be held. it's so twisted that i can't spend too much time consistintly out because i try not to cry in front of people and it ends up building up too much. so i cry over nothing. i cry over not feeling loved. being stressed. being helpless. hurting others. people thinking poorly of me. wanting to hurt myself, starve myself, but knowing i don't have the guts to and having the inability to hurt the people around me that much. from knowing that i've broken hearts. from being sick. from getting mad. from feeling like a failure. not being good enough. being scared. seeing that people think that i'm gonna leave them when i love them so incredibly much. from not being able to help. from frustration. from the battle that i have with myself. from not understanding. from people thinking nothing's wrong with me resulting in me believing them.. making me confused, frustrated. my head hurts.. i wish i could bang it so i wouldn't wake up.. idk what's wrong with me. is it for attention??? i hate myself for it. i wish i could make all my friends' problems go away. it's not fair. it's not fair.. NO ONE should feel the way some of my friends feel. it's not fair. she's wonderful, pretty, funny, intelligent, skinny.. HOW CAN SHE FEEL THIS WAY!?? i want her to be better. i want everything to be better. i want to be held. i want this to go away. why does she have to feel so worthless? I value her SO much. SO many people do!!!! She means the world to me. One of my best friends.. I want to kill what makes her feel this way. it's disgusting. it lies. terrible awful lies. disgusting lies. i would do anything.. take it away. please. stop it. how could she think that i'd ever go away. how do i even know this?
i think too highly of myself. think everything's about me. wtf? i'm probably not making sense. i don't care. i want to stop feeling. i feel too much. people think poorly of me because of it. im an attention whore. someone's said that to me. it killed me a little inside. it hurts. my heart feels like it's going to burst. i want it to. right now at least. im done. i hate this. so much. make it stop.. i love you. i love so many people. i don't wanna lose you. what if they stop loving me. it's hard to handle that thought. what if things i do are too much for them to handle? or they don't feel comfortable with me anymore? what if i die alone? like those few seconds that i knew i was collapsing and couldn't control myself and no one was there to help me. what if i never get better? what if people expect more from me than i can give? what if my friend never gets better? IT'S NOT FAIR. I love her so much. Make me forget. make me disappear. anything. i can't stand this. bring me to wonderland. anywhere but here. hold me. please. don't let me push you away.

This year.. Has been a hard one. I've been battling with depression and it's been very challenging. I've been very sick (not fatally, just consistantly) this year and it's really taken a toll on my mental health.. or my mental health has taken a toll on my physical health, who knows?

In the begining of the year one of my best friends fell into a very bad depression along with battling with anorexia. She almost completely withdrew and I had no idea what to do. It was really hard for me to watch her suffer so badly and not be able to do anything about it and feel like our friendship was dwindling. Thankfully she got the help she needed and is recovering. She is an amazing friend and as soon as she was able to, she has helped me exponentially in getting better. Thank you so much for being here for me. I don't know what I would do without you, you are an amazing and strong person. Always be true to yourself.

One of my other close friends in the begining of the year was also anorexic and depressed and has been dealing with it for a very long time. We had a lot of issues and this year I lost one of my best friends and it was really hard. I'm sorry if you think that I'm a bitch for making so little contact to the point where I can't look you in the eyes. I truely hope that you are doing better and will improve and keep your friendships that can help you.

My father started wanting to be a part of my life again this November. I was not ready for it. I had already desensitized my emotions towards my father and his family; I needed to be strong for myself and not let him just come into my life whenever he wanted to. He threatened to go to court to make me go down to visit him and he caused a lot of drama, but I know that it's what I needed to do for myself. I may find that I can go back down again, but for now I need to focus on myself and not my failed relationship with my father.

I have always been a very religious person, and I still am. But my relationship with God has suffered a lot throughout my depression, which has made my depression even worse, that's how it always works, isn't it?

My grades sucked for the year, but what's happened happened. I can only work from here on. I became extremely unmotivated throughout my depression. I would seem alright; I'd still be happy every once in a while, but I wasn't myself anymore. These past two years my depression has been peaking and falling. I'm on medication now, and going to a doctor who does acupuncture and it's been helping a bit. I've crashed hard a few times. I'm not actively hurting myself or anorexic, but it's been on my mind and I've gone a day or two without eating, just flirting with the idea. I know that I have that tendency, but I know in my heart I can do that to the people around me. My worst crash unfortunetely had it's consequence. I became hysterical and gave myself a concussion accidentally. It's been hard to deal with life this year, but things are getting better.

Lately, I've become much more motivated. I've had my falls and bad thoughts, but it's different this time. Even if I crash, I pick myself back up. It's so hard when you're falling to not know if you'll be able to pick yourself back up or not or if you'll find yourself again, but I think I'm going to. And I have people to thank.

I have 4 best friends and I don't know what in the world I would do without them. They have been so strong for me and have helped me so much. I hope that I'll keep them as friends for the rest of my life, I am detirmined to be as good a friend as they've been to me, thank you so much. I might not be here if it wasn't for you..

Hopefully, each of you know who you are, if not, then you can ask me

I know this year has been really hard for you too, and I'm so proud of you. It's incredible to look at what you're defeating. You are so strong, but I'll always be here for you if you can't seem to find that strength. I know that you'll always be here for me, and you don't know how much comfort I take in that. You've gotten me out of hysterics, even though you weren't there physically. Thank you so much for your friendship, I will always treasure it.

...well, the first thing I thought to say is that you're gorgeous, even though that really has nothing to do with this... but you are. so there. But I feel like I've gotten a lot closer to you this year and I'm so happy for it. You've helped me a lot even if you haven't realised it. You make me happy. Just writing this, I'm smiling. I just think of all your quirks lol I love our relationship, how we can be crazy but still talk and let things out. I love spending time with you and I know that you'll be there when I need to cry in someone's arms. You've been so strong watching everything go on around you along with your own problems. I'll always be here for you, no matter what it is, never doubt that. Thank you so much, for everything. Especially chocolate bunnies, cause they make everything better.

I've gotten a lot closer to you this year and I'm glad that you have enough trust in me to be able to confide in me, cause I know that's hard for you. I look up to you a lot, not just because you're taller than me You have such strength, I can't comprehend it. You're strong for everyone else even though you are suffering too. I feel like you know yourself really well and I really admire that. You're incredibly good at talking things out with me, thank you so much for putting up with me. Breakdowns while making failed purple cookies probably isn't top on your list of things to do. And murdering my bunny wasn't so nice, but definitely helpful. Thank you so much for being there for me, and remember that I'll be here whenever you need anyone. A shoulder to cry on even though it may be hard to reach

I've grown to love and trust you so much and i know that I'll always have someone here for me. You've been able to snap me out of things and really think things through. You're able to keep an un-bias standpoint and help me do what's best for me. I feel comfortable with you and you've really become one of my best friends. Thank you so much for opening up and being able to really help support me.

I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life and I hope that I never take them forgranted. I'm sorry if I ever do. My family, especially my mom has seen me really suffer and been there for me and there's nothing more that I could ask for. I've been through a lot this year, but my friendships have gotten closer and I've realized just how much I can rely on my friends and family. Thank you so much for being here for me. I love my life and am so happy that such amazing people have stuck with me through these hard times. I love you guys so much, there aren't words to describe my love and appreciation for you.

I've written a few things that I'll be posting soon and hopefully be writting and reading more. Thanks for putting up with me

I'm sorry that I'm still not keeping up with dA.. I've been feeling so depressed.. I'm not doing well... I hate feeling like this. I broke up with my boyfriend.. I feel terribly.. He is great. I just suck. I don't feel like I'm living right now.. Like one of my friends said, it's like you're here physically, but sooo not here. My eyes are swollen from crying so much yesterday. I feel like such a bitch.. So worthless. I hate hurting people. so much.. I'm just not fuctionable right now. I feel so miserable.. I've been feeling miserable for a while.. It's just so much worse now, I feel so badly. I know that it'll pass, but it's really hard now. I'm PMSing and I get a lot worse because of that. I'm so sick of crying.. I'm so sick of being miserable. I have a good life.. Why do I feel like this? I am hurting people.... I hate it... I don't want to be with my family, I always want to sleep, or get away.. I want to get better... I'm sorry for hurting people.. It almost makes me want to not be in any relationship or friendship.. The people I love don't deserve to have a friend who is so screwed up... I can't function. I can't figure out my emotions. I can't control myself. I have just been so unhappy and I don't even have a fucking reason!!! I have an absolutely wonderful life.. I just feel terrible. I want to stop this.. I want to just go into a coma and not wake up until everyone's gone. I don't wanna hurt people anymore.. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to deal with life...

but thank you to all my close friends for putting up with me... I couldn't ask for better friends. You guys are amazing. I love you.

I am soo sorry for totally being MIA. I have just been so busy with life and not writting too much, it' sucks. So I've decided that I'm going to get back on, I really do love this website! I am very sorry that I probably won't get to many if any of the deviations that I missed.. That was one of the reason that i haven't been on, I felt guilty for not keeping up with everything but it's just too much to read. So hopefully I'm back!!
Update on liveliness.. hmm Welll, school sucks as always. I've been depressed lately, but I'm getting help and it's not too too bad. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm doing pretty well with my wonderful friends, I love them so much! I'm not dancing as much but that should be changing hopefully. I miss it. But my boyfriend said that he'll dance with me!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehe like do ballet! how awesome is that?!?!? or gay.. depending on the person. but I love it. lol I can't wait to catch up with everyone!